None of our friends or family would believe that we have a sexless marriage. As Ozyegin evocatively shows, the quest for sexual freedom and an escape from patriarchal constructions of selfless femininity and protective masculinity promise both personal transformations and profound sexual guilt and anxiety. She was just a delight to be with and I loved her company and very quickly loved her. For these young people, sexuality, gender expression, and intimate relationships in particular serve as key sites for reproducing and challenging patriarchy and paternalism that was hallmark of earlier generations. We spent as much time together as we could and although we hugged and kissed and held hands neither of us mentioned going further. There is no proper name for it.
In New Desires, New Selves, Gul Ozyegin shows how this social transformation in Turkey is felt most strongly among its young people, eager to surrender to the seduction of sexual modernity, but also longing to remain attached to traditional social relations, identities and histories. I said to her: Julie Sale, psychosexual psychotherapist and chair of ethics for the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, says: Another factor to consider, and something of a buzzword, is asexuality. Apart from feeling we had to do it on honeymoon, after that it was just to have another baby. When I proposed I did the whole thing of asking her dad, buying a ring and taking her out for a romantic dinner. Then you get into the debate on sex and intimacy. She was quite sick and then feeding, so our daughter was actually nearly two when we had sex again. For these young people, sexuality, gender expression, and intimate relationships in particular serve as key sites for reproducing and challenging patriarchy and paternalism that was hallmark of earlier generations. A few years ago, it bothered me because we seemed so different from how everyone else is portrayed. There is no proper name for it. Or just lack of intercourse? For some people, 10 times a year would be a lot of sex! The key words here are: All sorts of sexual proclivities are accepted now, but being celibate in a relationship is still taboo. We were quite relaxed and while we were away on honeymoon we had sex a few times I think because we felt we should and we were delighted when Alison got pregnant straightaway. However, in Japan, nearly half of married couples questioned in a recent survey — at least the ones surveyed — had not had sex in the previous month and did not expect that situation to change in the near future. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. We spent as much time together as we could and although we hugged and kissed and held hands neither of us mentioned going further. The closest I get is hearing other men joking about their wives not being interested in sex any more, but we were never really interested in sex, even when we met 25 years ago. Our family life is very happy and we have the same sense of humour, interests and ambitions — our home is a nice place for our kids to grow up. You can have intimacy but no sex, or vice versa. A poignant and original study, New Desires, New Selves presents a snapshot of cultural change on the eve of rapid globalization in the Muslim world. None of our friends or family would believe that we have a sexless marriage. But also, not everyone is married and what does sexless mean to a couple? I look forward to nights out or weekends away together as much as ever.
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